Motherhood Isn’t About Who You Birthed, It’s About How You Love
When I was young, I enjoyed being a mom - except for the terrifying parts and the times I had no idea what I was doing, which was all the time. These days, I love being a grandmother. It is much easier and brings a mountain of joy, mixed with a small amount of responsibility. (“Hey, this one needs a diaper change!” Executes handoff. Waits patiently until he no longer smells bad so we can resume peek-a-boo playing.)
I’m grateful for the family I have now, especially because I never really had a relationship with my mother and came from a family that was…difficult…to say the least.
One thing about having been cheated in the Mother Department is how Mother’s Day arrived each year with a boatload of confusion, anger, sadness, rejection, anger and finally more anger. I didn’t have someone I could call to say, “Happy Mother’s Day,” or ask, “What would you like to do together?” I was always on the outside, looking in. It was a loss that was especially loud when everyone was celebrating something I didn’t have.
But never the f*ck mind that. Let’s focus on the positive. Along the way, I was lucky to have other women step into that space, each mothering me in their own way. An aunt. A cousin. Friends who were maternal. Some were mothers, and some weren't, but they showed me care and guidance when I needed it. I wish I could give them all a big grateful hug!
The anger and bitterness have faded over the years, especially after having my own kids and grandkids and learning to be thankful for what I have, but hasn’t completely disappeared. It lingers in the background, mostly unnoticed, sometimes bubbling to the surface. So I still have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day. It’s joyful but bittersweet, but mostly joyful.
And, in my old age, I’ve come to understand that Mother’s Day can hold more than one truth at the same time. I can love what I have and mourn what I don’t. I’ve also learned to see Mother’s Day through a different lens. It’s not about biology or titles. It’s about care, presence, and the way people show up for others.
So this weekend, I will celebrate the women who are mothers in the traditional sense, and just as much celebrate the women who are motherly in spirit. The ones who nurture friends, care for pets like family, look out for neighbors, and offer comfort and steadiness in quiet, everyday ways.
Because mothering isn’t defined by who you birthed or raised. It’s defined by how you love.
Want To Read More About Mothers and Mothering?
A Mother’s Day Shout Out to Honorary Moms and Other Heroines
How Do You Mother Yourself When It Feels Like the Universe Is Making You Its B*tch?
Let’s Eat Ice Cream and Then Buy All The Toys You Could Ever Want