Ten Types of “Friends” I’m Over Now That I’m Old ADGAF
Let’s get right to it:
Friend Poachers - Enough already. I didn’t spend my time curating the perfect squad just to hand over the VIP to some lazy opportunist.
Gossipers - AKA the people who claim they 'hate drama' but are always the ones sitting in the corner taking meticulous notes like a court reporter.
Perpetual Victims - Newsflash: If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day every day, you're the asshole.
One Uppers - Me: I have a backache. One-upper: Oh yeah? Well, I have a migraine, and I’m blind in one eye, nauseous from my weight loss drugs while being audited by the IRS, and my car just fell off a cliff. But tell me more about your Tylenol.
Energy Vampires - You know these women. You talk to them for five minutes and immediately need to lie down for five hours.
Fair Weather Friends - Fair-weather friend: ‘OMG! Let’s get together soon!' Also my fair-weather friend when I need help: ‘Ugh, bad timing! I totally would if I weren't so busy with (insert random trivial task).
Scorekeepers - They’ll do you a favor and immediately open an imaginary spreadsheet in their brain called 'Things You Owe Me,’ and you never hear the end of it.
Debaters - You say 'the sky is blue' and within seconds they’ve pulled up 400 pieces of evidence, cross-examined your childhood, and made you apologize for the color of the sky.
Sulkers - A friendship with them is 10% hanging out and 90% playing detective trying to figure out which completely innocent thing you said made them sulk. Sometimes, The Sulkers overlap with…
Mind Readers - Friend: 'Are you mad?' Me: 'No.' Friend: 'Well, I’m mad, and you should know why.' Me: Alrighty then. Time to access my crystal ball, decipher your secret signs, and then make everything right while you do nothing but sit there and stew over a trivial or imaginary offense.’
So what kind of friends do I collect? The ones who share my sense of humor and bring laughter into my life, the ones who are loyal and will stand up for me when I’m not even in the room, the ones who respect my boundaries, time, and energy, and most importantly, the people who are genuinely kind and treat me and others with warmth, empathy, and compassion.
You are my people.
Want To Read More About Friendships:
This All Feels A Little Yikes To Me
Celebration of Life: Those We Love Never Truly Leave Us
Friendships Later in Life vs. Friendships When We’re Younger
Summer Products We’re Loving
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I always bring this fan with me to the beach, and Disney World, and it is a lifesaver on hot summer days.
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