This Romantic Bedtime Habit Is Actually a Hilarious Lie
Unpopular opinion: the idea of falling asleep while cuddling is one of the greatest lies ever sold by romance movies and books.
Picture it - two people romantically wrapped around each other, twisted like pretzels, sleeping peacefully while rain falls softly outside the window. No one is sweating or snoring. No one is drooling. Nobody’s arm is numb. No one has a partner’s knee jabbing into their kidney.
If only it were that simple.
Real love is rolling over onto your respective sides of the mattress and not touching each other for eight glorious hours. It’s saying Do not! F*cking! Touch me! While I’m trying to sleep! And for God’s sake, don’t breathe on me. And your foot better not cross the line onto my side. Don’t let your hand graze my arm. Don’t drape a leg over me. Don’t even let your pinky toe brush against mine. I need the personal space of a cat who didn’t ask to be picked up.
I don’t know about you, but I cannot fall asleep while someone is touching me. Bill and I have been married for 36 years, and we are incompatible sleeping in the same bed. If he so much as exhales aggressively in my direction in the middle of the night, I’m mentally plotting his demise.
In our house, true love is separate bedrooms, and it’s been the healthiest marital decision we’ve ever made.
Bill rotates in the bed like a rotisserie chicken and snores all night long. He also likes the TV on when he sleeps. I’m a furnace 98 percent of the time, and my body emits the heat of one thousand suns, so I don’t like to be touched; otherwise we’d both burst into flames. If, by some chance, we must share a bed - like in a hotel - I have a pillow wall that shan’t be breached.
And so I sleep in my ice box room with three fans on, and he sleeps in his volcano room, bundled under three blankets like a Victorian orphan. We both sleep well, and we are both happy because, as we all know, non-sleeping people are bitchy people.
Sometimes when people hear that we sleep in separate bedrooms, they act like we’re announcing our divorce. Meanwhile, we’re over here crushing it like velvet, waking up feeling perky and well-rested. Because nothing says romance like waking up refreshed instead of silently plotting your partner’s homicide at 3:17 a.m.
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