Why I Couldn’t Care Less About Jeff Bezos’ Wedding

No offense to Jeff and Lauren, but I just don’t care. I don’t care about their guest list, I don’t care about their yacht, and I definitely don’t care which A-lister performed at the reception.

You may accuse me of being bitter or jealous, but I’m not. I have billionaire fatigue, and watching two ultra-wealthy people throw a party that costs more than my zip code doesn’t spark joy.

Don’t get me wrong - love is great! I love it when people fall in love. I love to celebrate love, and I certainly wish everyone their own happily ever after. What I don’t need is regular updates on who wore what $10,000 dress, how many pounds of caviar and lobster were served at the reception, or how many roses were flown in from a secret garden in Italy.

I wish those two individuals, who own multiple private jets and have a combined net worth of around $237 billion, much happiness. Just not enough to click through online photos of the bride’s custom outfits leading up to the wedding and her couture gown made from sustainably sourced unicorn eyelashes or whatever the hell her clothes and gown were sewn from to justify the $1.5 million cost.

So while the media acts like the world is riveted and the internet spirals into a sparkle-covered frenzy, I’ll be over here sipping my Diet Mountain Dew, scrolling past the headlines, and focusing on things that actually matter. For instance, what I’m having for dinner tonight, when to drop off a few bags of unneeded clothing at a senior center, or whether our healthcare will be affordable next year. 

Speaking of healthcare, if Bezos committed $120 billion to healthcare (that’s half of his billions, still leaving him with more billions than a person can spend in a lifetime) he could insure all the uninsured Americans (that’s 4 percent of the population) twice over or lift the 9 million Americans over the age of 50 who live in poverty out of poverty.

Instead, we’re getting drone footage of a wedding yacht and non-stop photos of Lauren Sánchez’s dress. Imagine the headlines if billionaires threw that kind of energy — and cash — at fixing actual problems instead of trying to outdo each other with floating palaces and celebrity guest lists.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got leftovers to microwave, zero yachts to board, and absolutely no f*cks left to give.