I’m A Little Afraid Of Our Toddler

We're going to be babysitting and I couldn’t be more excited.

When we babysat our granddaughter Ainsley the first few months after she was born, you would have thought I never had children. I was a paranoid quivering mess, convinced I was going to drop her or not adequately support her floppy-ass head or watch her choke on a burp that wasn’t sufficiently pounded out of her belly. 

Hoo, good times.

But here we are, three years later. Her neck has strengthened, and she isn’t such a delicate, droopy flower. She walks, talks, and has her own opinions, which means babysitting is now terrifying in new and different ways.

To prepare for the arrival of the little princess this weekend,  I’m going to the grocery store to buy the correct brand of macaroni and cheese - NO EXECPTIONS!! - because she will wail like an ailing Victorian child if the WRONG brand is placed in front of her, even if she is starving like someone who just completed a 100-day hunger strike. 

Can you take a moment to spare a prayer for my family, because should that happen, it's not clear if recovery will be possible. (That’s big-time diva behavior from someone who eats crayons, don’t you think?)

I’m honestly obsessed with the high drama of toddlers and the mix of humor and horror they bring. I’ll also share secret: sometimes, when Ainsley gets to be too much, and all toddlers are at some point, I sneak away from Barbie playing, hide in our closet and eat cookies until she and Bill realize I’m gone and bust the door open like DEA agents while I hide the cookies like a high schooler hiding weed from her parents.

Don’t get me wrong, Ainsley is a very good little girl, we love her so much, and adore every minute we get to spend together, but Bill and I are still making bets on what things will upset her this weekend.

Will she sob when we tell her she cannot eat a sponge? Will tears be shed when her teddy bear is hot and I blow on it the wrong way? Will there be howling when we can only find the blue princess crown and not the pink princess crown to wear to the pool? Is she going to be completely pissed off when we won’t allow her to stir her cereal with the TV remote? Or will she have a fresh set of offenses to be angry about? 

We shall see.

Don’t let that sweet little face fool you. Sometimes she acts like a tiny, drunken dictator who refuses basic hygiene and common sense while loudly insisting she can eat and do whatever she wants. And sometimes I’m a little afraid of the outcome when I say No.

But oh, how boring life would be without her!

Kissy Kissy Heart Heart!