Female Friendships, People Pleasing and Rocking the Boat

Hello Blog Friends! Long time no see! It’s good to be back! Let’s jump right in and catch up!

Since I last posted, an online site decided it wanted to pay me for my posts…and then consistently disliked pretty much everything I posted. It’s beginning to feel like that horse-carrot-stick game, where a tempting prize is dangled in front of me but constantly moved so I never reach it. At this point, I’m still throwing different things out there, trying to find something that might work. It’s a challenge, and I do love a challenge, but it's time-consuming, so that’s going to require better time-management skills.

I’ve also been reading a lot, mostly about female friendships. I think female friendships are among the most fascinating and complicated things on earth. They carry an intense emotional weight that other relationships—even romantic ones—lack. They give us support and intimacy. They soothe and frustrate us, and they evolve as we change, learn, and grow.

Speaking of changing, learning, and growing, I’ve been doing some of my own. I won’t bore you with the details, but here’s a life lesson I’ve recently realized: In friendships, and in life in general, you will find more peace through confrontation than you will through avoidance. (By “confrontation,” I’m not referring to an angry exchange. I mean a calm, factual conversation meant to problem-solve.)

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life, and while it’s been pleasant for others, it hasn’t always made me happy. I’ve spent a good amount of time pondering what I need to feel more joy, and I realized I need to be more open and honest about my feelings. As in, it’s okay to say “No”; it’s okay to have boundaries (necessary, actually), and it’s okay to be blunt (again, in a polite way) when the situation requires it.

I’ve come to realize that peace is rarely a reward for constantly being agreeable, and being agreeable all the time means everyone else’s chaos becomes yours — and who the heck wants that? The calmest lives belong to the people brave enough to handle uncomfortable conversations early. Barney Fife had it right when he said, “Nip it! Nip it in the bud!”

One of the most unfortunate things about our society is that most of us were taught the opposite, especially women. Keep the peace. Don’t rock the boat. Go along with things for the sake of harmony. But here’s what happens when you do that on repeat: your mind interprets that as short-term safety, and every conversation you avoid gets logged somewhere and resurfaces later as anxiety, resentment, or a slow buildup of tension. I know that firsthand with a forever neck ache and jaw that must be pried open every morning because of the clenching.

None of us should be expected to “keep the peace” at the expense of our own sanity. Instead, we should be comfortable speaking up when something doesn’t work for us. We should be willing to calmly discuss issues with whoever is feeling like a thorn in our side, and we shouldn’t be afraid to rock the boat.

We chase peace by avoiding conflict, but avoidance only delays it. A true connection and real harmony are worth a little turbulence.

So, the moral of this story is: Protecting your peace means being willing to disrupt it first. Is that easy? Of course not, especially for this people-pleasing weirdo who would mostly rather hide her head in the sand than risk upsetting anyone. But, as I said, I do love a challenge, so I’m going to raise my glass and say CHEERS! to becoming a more honest-about-my-feelings-in-certain-situations person.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share them in the comments.