Does Anyone Have A Hazmat Suit I Can Borrow?

Pardon me for being blunt and not sugarcoating this, but the thing that’s been the most frustrating about being sick for the last five weeks is being slapped with the realization that I’m roommates with the sloppiest man on earth.

For the most part, I keep our house clean. My natural tendency leans to the side of order, organization, and cleanliness, while Bill’s natural tendency is more of…uh…how can I put this.…he’s a lazy f*ck.

You would think that while I was sick, he would naturally address some things around here, like the trail of crumbs across the kitchen floor and the coffee rings on the counter near the coffee pot. Or maybe tend to the overflowing garbage bin, or the stack of dishes in the sink. Or at the very least, empty the dishwasher that hasn’t been emptied since who the hell knows. But no.

Would I call him a complete slob? YES.  He is a complete slob who also makes strange choices, like drying himself with a hand towel instead of doing a load of laundry when all the bath towels are stacked in a damp mountain not IN but on top of the washer. Who does that?!

We’ve had many arguments over the years about his hot-mess habits and how differently we approach homemaking. I like things tidy, but I’m not unreasonable. I don’t expect him to do a get-down-on-his-knees-Cinderella-ish scrub of the bathroom floors after working all day, but when I’m sick in bed and he walks past an overflowing wastebasket, it would be swell if he emptied it instead of trying to balance a tissue on top of an already teetering pile of tissues, Q-tips, clothing tags, and other bathroom trash items. 

We don’t have a big house, so it would have been easy to vacuum or do the bare minimum and turn on the Roomba, which is just pushing a button, before parking himself in his chair. But no. Who does that?!

Last week, I was starting to feel better, ventured from the bedroom, surveyed the damage, and felt sick, but in a different way. It’s bad. Very bad. I might have to spend all of February scrubbing this house back to “Hazmat Suit Is Not Necessary” status, and saying I’m displeased would be the understatement of the decade.