Summer Fashion After 50: Sweat, Fat, Wrinkles & Zero Patience

It’s summer in Florida, and this year feels like the hottest one yet. I know, I say that every year — but this time I really mean it.

One of the most annoying parts of facing crematorium-like temps every single day — aside from feeling like you're being slow-boiled a few minutes after stepping outside — is figuring out what to wear. Especially when you're a middle-aged woman.

It goes something like this:

"Oh great, it's going to feel like a thousand degrees again. What should I wear?"

Maybe a sundress? But I’ll have to wear that itchy special bra. I wish I didn’t need a special bra... or any bra. Are my straps showing? No — but the wrinkly, sun-damaged, blotchy skin on my chest is. Fantastic. And WTF is going on with my arms? When did they start looking like wrinkled parchment paper?

Okay, maybe shorts and a t-shirt? Wait, when was the last time I shaved my legs? Is there hair on the back of my calves? OMG, yes, a lot. Looks like I missed shaving that spot for the last three months. Whatever. Does anyone look at my legs or care what they look like?

Ugh, the shorts are too tight. Of course they are.

Fine. Linen pants, then. They fit, but the proportions are off with the tee. Switch to a slightly snugger shirt. Bad idea! Bad idea! Now my round belly is on full display. I look like a chubby, wrinkled pile of laundry.

Back to the dress…

And so it goes.

Each day becomes a battle between comfort, confidence, and not melting into a puddle of fabric and self-doubt.

Rinse, repeat, question your life choices, wonder why you ate that entire pack of Oreos, and wish you had your 35-year-old body - that you bitched about at the time - back as you try to survive another day as a woman over 50 in the slow cooker we call summer.