When Stupidity Has No Limits

Have you ever daydreamed about running into your celebrity crush in real life? Not in some R-rated fantasy, but like, randomly at the grocery store or the gym. 

I’ve done that often, and in my version, I’m effortlessly cool as Brad Pitt or Jason Momoa (My number 1 and Number 2) is dazzled by how shockingly down-to-earth I am. Next thing you know, I’m their plus-one at red carpet events and sipping wine with their A-list pals while they’re relieved to have met someone so unfazed by their fame.

And then reality hits: I’m dorky. If I ever did cross paths with anyone on my ‘list,’ they wouldn’t be impressed by my coolness—they’d be horrified by my complete lack of it, (and odds are, equally horrified by how many days I can go without shampooing my hair.) The truth is, around them, I’d have zero composure, be completely starstruck, and the opposite of chill.

Some years ago, I was on the treadmill at the gym—back when everyone was reading those Fifty Shades books. A friend loaned me a copy, and my plan was simple: walk, read, mind my business. But of course, that’s when a chatty guy hopped on the treadmill right next to me.

Fifty Shades? Have you read it yet? What do you think? Did you like it?

I haven’t started it yet.

Did you know they wanted Ryan Gosling for the movie? People say I look like Ryan Gosling. What do you think? Do I look like Ryan Gosling?

Well, kind of…I guess..maybe…a little.

What’s your favorite Ryan Gosling movie?

Gee…I don’t know…I’m not a big fan of the movies he does.

WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! He was so good in The Notebook! I love Ryan Gosling! I grew up in Canada. My parents divorced when I was a kid. My dad was in sales. We moved a lot…

I tuned him out at first—because all I really wanted was to walk and read my book—but he just kept chatting until he eventually won me over. I had to admit, the guy was charming. When he wrapped up his walk, he shook my hand, said it was a pleasure talking to me, and left. I even caught myself looking forward to seeing him again.

When I finished my workout and headed out, the woman at the front desk asked, ‘Did you have a good time with your treadmill buddy?’

‘That guy? He was nice, but a little too into Ryan Gosling,’ I joked.

She paused, gave me the weirdest look, and then said, ‘That was Ryan Gosling.’

Excuse me, WHAT? 

She pulled out her phone, showed me the proof, and sure enough—everyone else had snapped selfies with him. Meanwhile, Ryan FREAKING Gosling—solid number three on my Hunk List—had just spent an hour chatting with me AND punked me while I was too stupid to notice.

To top it off, I looked like absolute hell. 

So much for my big chance to dethrone Eva Mendes and secure my happily-ever-after with Ryan. 

Tragic.