Why I’m Skipping Amazon Prime Day And Embracing Minimalism
Hey friends! In case you’ve been living under a rock, tomorrow is Amazon Prime Day! This year, there are FOUR glorious days from July 8th to 11th when you can throw your hard-earned cash at Amazon and buy things you do not need at a “discount.”
I have mixed feelings about Prime Day. Besides the fact that prices are mostly inflated and regular coupons are scarce, it’s a dangerous time because buying is so easy. You don’t even have to open your wallet, so it feels like you’re not spending. OMG, the temptation! I have mental quarrels with myself that go like this: I can get a great deal on a vacuum! But I don’t need a vacuum! Shut the fuck up and order the vacuum! Orders vacuum. Along with an LED eye mask that is supposed to reduce wrinkles. And a weird tape thing that promises to hold up my thighs and make them look less wrinkly when I wear shorts.
Another annoying thing about Prime Day is that it’s just not one day. This year it is four days. That means an intoxicating shopping high and a celebration of mediocre deals on mediocre products for half a week!!!!!
Am I the only one who thinks browsing Prime Day deals is like a glimpse into madness? What do you want? A farting pen? Dissolving swim trunks? A few gallons of personal lubricant? It’s all there at a “discounted” price.
Shopping means it’s guaranteed you will be excited, then disappointed, and then finally settle on something you didn’t really want. Kind of like dating or the way your grandma would say you could help yourself to the candy jar, but there was nothing in it but raisins or that hard candy ribbon with no flavor that all stuck together in a giant lump.
Sometimes, Prime Day is more of a disappointment than I was to my parents in high school. Other times it feels like a neighborhood garage sale where everyone puts out their unwanted shit and the early shoppers pick over the good stuff. Many of the products look like they fell off a truck headed to a poorly regulated flea market, which is being held next to a dumpster.
But here’s the thing: Amazon is determined that YOU WILL BUY SOMETHING! They bombard you with tempting ads on social media until all logical thoughts disappear entirely, you forget the difference between a need and a want and you break down and buy dumb shit - like those damn black roller skates with pink hearts and rainbow-colored wheels that I purchased one year and swore to God I was going to wear around the neighborhood for exercise, like an aging Tootie on Facts of Life, but only used once before I retired them into the corner of the garage after falling on my ass three seconds after standing up. That was a joy, let me tell you.
So anyway, I’m over Prime Day. It’s become the Black Friday for the bored and click-happy, a shiny distraction that helps us forget how bad the world is and how little we can change it. Instead of shopping this year, I’m going to embrace my minimalist energy and buy nothing. (This time, I mean it.)
Besides, every day is Prime Day, when you have a credit card and no self-control. Am I right?