Dear Retired Men, Your Feet Are Scaring People

Dear Retired Men, Your Feet Are Scaring People.

Unlike women, you might not care that you look your age, and that’s fine. In fact, society often rewards you for it. Gray hair? Distinguished. Wrinkles? Rugged. You can still pass for attractive in that George Clooney silver fox kind of way.

But for the love of all that is decent: Hide your feet.

Specifically, your white, cracked heels and those gnarly, split, yellow toenails. Put them away. Or better yet, get a pedicure once a month.

There’s a strange phenomenon that seems to occur when men retire, especially in Florida. They abandon closed-toe shoes entirely, opting to spend the rest of their lives in sandals. It’s like a switch flips, and suddenly they’re determined to make sure the whole world sees the hideous crime scene happening at the end of each ankle.

Sometimes I think about how great it would be if the government provided a senior citizen pedicure subsidy, along with Social Security checks. Think about it—a monthly pedicure for the elderly! It’s hygienic. It’s humane. It keeps old feet from turning into fungal petri dishes, and it doubles as a pleasant social outing.

And let’s be honest: the manicurist is an attentive listener. You’re paying them to sit there, nod politely, and endure your rambling stories while they sandblast your calluses. Women of all ages understand this dynamic. Men? Not so much.

And by the way, there’s nothing “girly” about a pedicure. It’s grooming. Just like getting a haircut. Only with better lighting and a foot massage.

So give it a try, gentlemen. You might be surprised. You might even look forward to it. And the rest of us? We will thank you. Profusely.